• Angie Toh

Novelty & Sex

When  Calvin Coolidge was President, he and  Mrs. Coolidge were separately being shown around a farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."



Our brain craves novelty. Brain research has shown that a rush of dopamine accompanies fresh experiences of any kind. It is no surprise that we experience declining sexual interest with a long term partner; especially if is the same type of foreplay, same position or even same day or time to have sex.  Sex becomes predictable and less and less exciting.  It doesn't help that most couples are engaging in goal oriented sex focusing on cumming instead of exploring and connecting.   

So what can a couple do to combat this potential decrease in sexual interest?

1.  Engage in intimacy conversation

Many of my clients never talk to their partner about sex or their sexual desire or needs.  Schedule time to have such intimacy conversation.  Such conversation is best not to be done immediately after sex.  Instead, choose a relaxing place and time to connect. 


2.  Bring in sex toys

Playing with different sex toys can help to create novelty to the brain. You can also try light bondage.  I just went for a Japanese rope bondage (Shibari) class last week.  Though I am not into BDSM, I do feel that bringing in element like bondage can create novelty to our sex life.

3.  Be adventurous and explore different position or even have sex in different place.

I am not encouraging public sex (unless is your fantasy)  but I definitely will encourage you to be adventurous.  It could be sex in the bathroom, kitchen or even book a hotel room.  Remember our brain is motivated by new experiences.


4.  Watch Erotic Movie or Porn together

I encourage men not to masturbate with porn . However,  I do recommend couples to watch it together to help bring in some excitement in their sex life. 


5. Learn to give and receive Lingam and Yoni Massage

It is beautiful when a couple could give and receive lingam and yoni massage to one another.  I do teach couple if you and your partner are keen to learn. 


6. Engage in Mindful Masturbation together

It can be erotic to watch your partner self pleasure.  You can also learn what really turns your partner on and how she wants to be touched. 


7.  Agree to have a consensually non-monogamous relationship

This is definitely not for everyone, especially for many women. It requires trust and lots of positive self esteem to be in an open relationship. 


The list does not stop just at 7 and is for you and your partner to exploreI.  know we are all super busy with work and family life and is not easy to find quality time to connect and explore and play with your partner.  However, if we don't, soon you will find sex become yet another item on our to-do list instead of something we look forward to.

What are you going to do to bring in more novelty to your sex life? 

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